Sea of Uncertainty

              With a few moments to myself, in an empty house, I feel the need to write a few lines, while these emotions are fresh. I just left our Stake Presidents’ office to complete the last part of my application to BYU! Tomorrow morning the U of U is holding an open house for transfer students from SLCC. I will be attending that as well, just in case I don’t get accepted to the Y.

                I feel that because I want so badly to get into the Y, I won’t. Just because. It’s just my luck to get accepted to Universities around the world (even though I haven’t applied anywhere else, mysteriously acceptance letters would fill my mailbox in the coming weeks) and the school that I so desperately hope to get into, rejects me.

                Against the advice of so many people in the medical field, to just give up on the Y and go to the U because there I will have opportunities to meet and rub shoulders with people in the Medical field that can help further my career aspirations. Against the advice of so many, to just give up on childhood dreams and silly football loyalties of going to the Y, and do the smart thing, stay in your comfort zone, go to the U, stay in Salt Lake,  get a great education from an awesome school and still live here in Salt Lake. Against all of this, for some reason beyond explanation, I want so badly to go to the Y. It isn’t because of childhood dreams of playing football for the Cougars, or loyalty to my family’s “team.” I wish I could explain it…but I simply can’t.

                Perhaps it’s for exactly all the opposite reasons why I should stay here and go to the U. Maybe I want to get out of Salt Lake, live in a tiny apartment with my family of 6, and struggle through college. Maybe I don’t want to meet and rub shoulders with individuals of the medical field that can help me get into the program I want. Maybe I want to run away from Here, and disappear in Utah County and re-emerge years later as a successful man. In whatever career I happen to choose throughout these next crucial two years. To be completely honest, these uncharted waters I am leading my family into scare me so much, I have difficulty sleeping at night, wondering if I’m making the right decisions. The decisions I choose now, not only affect me, but they affect my entire little family! That type of responsibility, that type of weight on one man’s shoulders is enough to make one physically weak. And hopefully bring him to his knees. In prayer.

                I can’t tell you how scared I am of the unknown path we’re on or where we’re headed. I can’t tell you how unsure I am of what I want to do when I grow up, or how I plan to support my family as we grow older. I can talk all day long, of my plan B’s and my plan C’s or plan D & E if those all fail, but I can’t, for the life of me, tell you what my plan A is. All I do know, is I want to go to college, and further my education. I hope to find out what I want to do during these last two years of college. I know that I want a career that will allow my wife to never have to work again, and allow me time to spend with my kids. I don’t care about money or material things, as I did not have those things growing up. Driving a beautiful foreign car, or having a vacation home in the tropics doesn’t appeal to me. All I want is more time with my family.

                The one thing that helps me through this sea of doubt, is my wife and the anchor she is for me. Where ever this crazy road takes us, which ever career path we end up at, we will be in this together. Throughout this difficult time, throughout the stresses of school and work, her smile alone brings a calm and serenity to this sea of doubt that I cannot explain. I’m positive she has no idea how much I love to come home to her smiling face, and to be greeted by my crazy kids running from their room to hug me at the door. In this sea of uncertainty, my precious cargo, my family, will anchor me through the storm.

Medicinal use of Sprite

    Tongans use many different "home remedies" to fix injuries and ailments from broken bones to burns and scrapes; from the common cold and flu to migraine headaches to sore muscles and joints. Growing up I can think of several different occasions where these "home remedies" where used on myself and my siblings. Many times, I thought they were completely ridiculous, but our Tongan Elders swore by these remedies.

    One time my older brother Sateki, was skateboarding down a very steep hill, behind my grandparents' house and he hit a rock and flew off the board. He landed on his back and slid several feet before grinding to a halt, sustaining serious road rash injuries to his shoulders and back. We rushed him to our grandmother's house and immediately she pulls out a stick of butter, and begins generously applying the butter all over my brothers' roadrashed back. He screamed out in pain, but obediently allowed my grandmother to finish the application of the entire stick of butter. Later in life, as we grow and learn about injuries and how the body heals itself during traumatic injury, I learned that applying generous amounts of butter directly onto an open wound, such as road rash, is exactly would you should never do! My grandma is so funny!

    Many of us have horror stories of dislocating a joint such as a hip or shoulder, or spraining an ankle or knee. The Tongan remedy for this is to be taken to a trained individual such as a chiropractor or other joint specialist, but not really trained in a traditional chiropractor school; more of a talent or specific knowledge passed on from one generation to the next. These Tongan massage therapists fota or "massage" the affected or injured areas and cause a great deal of pain to the individual. I will say, I was a skeptic of this practice at first, until I saw first-hand, someone with sore joints and muscles walk out of the session pain free.

    Anyway, the Tongan "home remedy" I seem to have remembered the most from my own childhood, is the remedy used to cure upset stomach, and the stomach flu. As a child, I can remember coughing so bad that I would begin to vomit. When I would have food poisoning or the stomach flu, I can remember the same remedy being applied to help cure this as well. A Super Big Gulp of Sprite! Yes, I can remember staying home from school because I was vomiting the night before, and my mother buying me my very own Super Big Gulp of Sprite, and it was made known, that this Sprite was only for me and no one else was allowed to touch it! I'm not sure if the carbonation or the lemon-lime flavor actually cures upset stomach, but for some reason it always helped me feel better. I can remember feeling special knowing that the Super Big Gulp in the fridge was only mine. I felt special staying home from school, watching cartoons sippin' on this magical elixir.

    Now that I have kids of my own, I see myself using some of these "home remedies" with my kids. Although I haven't used a stick of butter on my children's open wounds yet, I have run to the store in the middle of the night, on several occasions to buy my kids a Super Big Gulp of Sprite. I sit them on the couch with a warm blanket around them, turn the TV to the Cartoon Network and make sure everyone in the house knows, the Sprite in the fridge is only for the sick kid. I make them feel special, like my mom did to me, and within a day, the vomiting stops, and which ever ailment they were suffering from is completely gone. This is the widely used, but largely unknown Medicinal use of Sprite. J

The Great Debate

The issue that I find myself facing every single day is time management. In order to be successful in completing our family goals, we need to prioritize. We have to decide where we will spend our time, and money, which family events we should or have to go to, which items do we deem a necessity and or need and which are just a want. Often our culture dictates precedence of certain family functions to attend and not attend. There are some events that are optional, and some that you wouldn’t dare miss simply because showing face, in our culture, actually goes a long way.

So the issue that I, and all other parents, is how much time should you spend with your family, and how much should you spend at work. Obviously if there is an opportunity to work longer hours to make more money, then by all means, stay at work longer, and make that money to provide for your family. Currently I’m out of class on our winter break in between semesters. This extra time out of school would allow me to spend more time at work, longer days delivering packages, therefore giving me a bigger check. However, with the extra time, I can’t help but get excited at the thought of a short work day, to rush home and see my wife and kids, and plan a fun filled day with activities at somewhere like Classic Skating, or Jungle Jim’s!

The responsible thing to do in my position would be to stay at work, actively look for opportunities to make more money at work, by picking up routes or stop for a longer day. The responsible thing to do would be to save as much money as possible right now, because when classes start, I’ll be working less so that I can rush to class staying at school longer to study which means less time all together with my kids. Those are what a responsible adult would do….I’ve never been very responsible, and I still do not consider myself an adult really, so I’ve decided to do things a little different:

This whole week I’ve been getting off early so that I can be home with my kids. I sit in my living room and wait as each child wakes up and runs from their bedrooms to the living room, screaming good morning to me! Kime is usually the first to wake up, followed by Lote, then baby Koti, and finally Teki as he is usually the last to go to bed. They all walk down the hallway rubbing their eyes, looking for something to eat. Each one is surprised to see me sitting there, as I usually go straight to school from work. These mornings with my kids, I cherish as I know the time is approaching fast, where they will be driving themselves to High School and leaving so abruptly from the house, they won’t even notice me sitting there waiting to greet them.

I’ve opted out of the responsible thing to do, make less money, and spend more time with my kids during this short two week break, because I think of them the entire day that I’m at school or stuck in the library studying. Often time while reading one of my books, a thought or memory of my kids doing something hilarious will pop into my head, and I’ll laugh out loud drawing awkward stares from fellow students in the library wondering what could be so funny in a biology book that would make an individual laugh out loud. It’s usually at those times that I call home just to hear my wife or children’s voices to hold me over til the end of the day. More often than not, the suspense of throwing my children up in the air or hearing their laughs is too much, and the thought of them, typically signals the end of my studies for the day, and jump in my car and rush home to see them.

Like I said, I’ve never been very responsible and I don’t really feel like an adult, and my decisions reflect that. I have less money, this holiday break then I should. I understand the statement “Starving Student” but my kids don’t ever have to know what that means. I love them all too much for them to ever know, these struggles we go through as parents, are all for them. And this, is the great debate.

End of the Year

          While I have a second to myself this morning, I've decided to just write down a few random thoughts as we close out this 2011 year. As a family, my beautiful wife and I just turned 28! our son Sateki is 5, daughter Salote is 3 and will be turning 4 Jan 10th, son Kime is 2 and completely potty trained! and we added a baby boy to the family that we name after my brother serving in Ft. Worth TX, little Heikoti Lao!

          We have a few goals, and milestones we hope to reach this up coming New Year. I graduate from SLCC with my AA and having completed all my Nursing Pre-req classes as well! My wife wants to celebrate, but I don't think this accomplishment warrants a celebration. I've still got plenty of schooling left, and the very difficult classes lay ahead of me. She reminded me although it's just an Associates, it will be the first college grad on bothsides of our family, so I guess it's a big deal. My reasoning against a celebration is, college students in a 4 year college, don't have a celebration when they finish their Sophomore year in College....do they?

          At any rate, I have to complete my application to BYU asap! My cummulative GPA just dropped to 3.41 after this last semester which may sound bad to many, but if you knew my past GPA's you would be elated! lol. Going the route I plan with my schooling, medical no doubt yet unsure which specific direction to take, going to the U of U would be the wisest decision. However I can't help that I've been a Cougar fan my whole life, and the oppurtunity to call my self a Cougar, is irresistable. Even if I don't get in, at least I tried. Even if I get in and don't finish there, at least I tried. Even if I just get accepted, get my student ID and then go to the U just so I can say I was a Cougar, that'd be good enough for me! lol.

          That's all for now. Just a few notes to remind me where we were at the end of 2011. I want to be able to look back and read these blogs to remind my family what we were doing and the progress we were making in life. We do have a lot to work on, but slowly and surely, we're pluggin' along! Happy New Year's to all of you. I hope this New Year fills your homes with love, laughter and blessings!

I hope it's all worth it

     It's been a while since I've posted anything. Not because I've had nothing to write about, actually quite the opposite. We've been sooo busy. It's 11:15pm and my sick wife, and 4 babies are all in bed. The house is quite and I'm able to gather my thoughts. Yet in the silence my thoughts are how much I love my family and how I couldn't imagine my life without them.
     Fall Semester begins on Wednesday and I'm a little nervous. These next two semesters will be tough. Last semester was the first time since I don't know when, that I've gotten a 4.0! I didn't want to make a big deal because I didn't think my classes were that difficult but my wife (for some reason) thinks that it's a big deal. A big deal for me will be if I can pass these next two semesters, graduate in May and continue our plan, and my education.
     I think I've enjoyed these past few weeks off from school and with my family more than I could ever put into words. The struggle and decisions that I go through everyday is wanting to spend more time with my family, but I know I have to work and go to school to provide for them a better life in the future. I feel like I'm missing out on valuable time with my children as they are growing up. Often times life can get stressful and I hate myself when I take my frustrations out on my kids. My lil' best friends. I hope this is all worth it. They say money can't buy happiness, but if it could buy me more time with my family, I would be very happy.
     You see, I have a very difficult time spending any amount of time away from wife and kids than necessary. I miss my family when I'm at work and school and think about them constantly. I hate to sound cheesy but I laugh out loud in class when a thought of my kids doing something funny pops into my head. I still get excited when I haven't seen my wife all day, and I pull up to my house and see her on the porch waiting for me to come home. I do still get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of her beautiful smile. I pray this never changes. A very convincing argument for me in gaining my testimony, was how much I love my wife and kids. Why would God want something so perfect to end here on earth? Why should 'til death do we part' make any sense? Exactly, it doesn't!
     Anyways, they are my motivation. They drive me. My wife and kids make me a better person. A better Man, husband and father. It's difficult. Life is difficult. Why would it be any other way though? How could we celebrate triumph without a difficult, nearly impossible path to our goal. I just hope it's worth it. When we reach our goal after all this schooling is done, I hope it allows me a job where I can attend the sporting events that my kids will be involved in. I hope to have Saturdays off so that my little family can go on camping trips, fishing, boating, BBQing and hunting trips. Yes hunting. Anytime alone with my family is quality time. I hope to provide a life for my family where our worries are how we can help other's in need because our needs are met. I hope that we can find ways and opportunities to serve others. I hope my kids can worry about their classwork and activities and not worry about food or clothes because I will cover those necessities. Above all, I just hope that these struggles we face day in and day out.....are worth it :)

BRACES!!

I went to my first of many appointments with my Orthodontist today. Normally, one would hate an appointment like this but I was quite excited. I will be getting braces! and I can't tell you how excited I am! I'm sure it'll be painful, and I'm sure I won't be able to eat half of what I'm eating now, but the end result is all I'm thinking about!

For people that have beautiful, straight, white smiles (everyone in my family, parents, sibilings and their spouses and children and inlaws EXCEPT ME!) straight teeth are something I'm sure you take for granted! I've been self conscience about my smile since 4th grade, when the eventful afternoon in elementary triggered this whole dilema:

I was eating an apple during lunch time, and I had a loose tooth. I bit down on the apple and out popped the loose tooth at an awkward angle. I was always told that loose teeth have to be pulled out with great care, because if they are pulled out crooked, they will grow back crooked. (there may or may not be studies to support this, I was just told this as a child and have taken this as law) As soon as I saw the new tooth growing in at an angle I cursed that stupid apple! I knew from then on, my smile would never be the same!

I always had low self esteem, and this was one of the reasons why, along with a number of other physical attributes I inherited from my Tall Father! lol. I never smiled with my teeth showing, I hated talking close to people or strangers as people would notice, my imperfect teeth! I hated pictures, school or family. This really is something that I've had a hard time dealing with, and you people with straight, white, gorgeous teeth will never know.

So I day dreamed my future as I sat there in the reception area of what would happen after this is all done! I pictured a commercial like the Windows 7 software where there is a person telling a story about themself. They are a normal looking or slightly less attractive person telling a story, and in the dream or reenactment there is a handsome or attractive looking person playing them as they narrate their story. Well, here's my story:
A young polynesian man walks slowly towards the Orthodontists office, dragging his feet, with his hands in his pocket, shoudlers down, starring at the ground. He stops in front of the office and sighs as the stresses of life weigh heavy on his mind. If only there were something that could fix all his problems. Just then he looks up and see's a sign in front of the Dental Office that reads "Stress holding you down? Crooked teeth the source of all your problems? Well come on in and let us solve all your problems!" He runs in, signs the paper work and takes a seat in the dental chair. Just then the dental assistants strap his hands and legs down for his own safety for the pain that the Orthodontist is about to inflict. Nervously he sits, then the Dr. steps in masked up with a welding mask on. He steps up to the chair and turns on the saw, Sparks fly everywhere as this is the most extensive procedure he has ever seen! 15 minutes later, I step out the chair a new man. I turn around a smile at the camera with pearly whites that sparkle and light up the whole room. Then Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson thanks the Dental staff for their hard work and walks out the building a New Man! All of the Rocks (Me) problems are solved! With his new grill, nothing can stop him or get him down!

I will say that I'm pretty stoked to get this grill fixed, and will post pictures of the before and after! I will be all smiles in a few short months! Wish me luck!

Teaching My Son about Race

"Did you like that palangi lady's house son?"

"What is palangi dad?"

"Palangi means white; she was a white lady."

"What are we dad? Are we palangi?"

"No son, we're Tongan; we're brown."

"Tongan?" he asks puzzled. He points to the brown stripes on his flannel shirt. "Is this Tongan?"    

My family has a pickup truck they use as a utility vehicle. It is a 1992 Ford F-150 with mud swamper tires. It's pretty beat up, with rust marks along all the wheel wells, faded maroon paint and the seats have tears throughout with the foam protruding out where ever it can find sunlight. He handed me the keys and said if I could register it, I could have it. Gee, thanks I guess? I never knew how valuable this truck would become to me and my family. As a trade in, a dealership would probably point and laugh, and pay me just to take it off the lot. However, in my family, this truck's value far exceeds its Kelly Blue book listing. Because we use this truck to serve others and the road trips can be miles away, it creates a comfortable environment for my son and I to converse. This truck is invaluable as it creates a safe haven for me and my 4 year old son to contemplate life's deepest questions. One such event took place last month when my son asked about race and the dialogue that followed.

I thought very carefully about what I would say and the direction I would take this conversation. I realized that situations very similar to this play out around the world every day, between father and sons. This pivotal moment in my son's perception of the world and his own cultural identity were at stake. I had the opportunity now, as many fathers in this position have, to pass on ideals of bigotry and close mindedness, to fill his mind with poison and ethnocentrism and corrupt this blank canvas. OR I could use this opportunity to teach my son the beauty of the human race. To teach him we're all brothers and sisters of different shades and levels of melanin under skin tissue made up of 99% same DNA. And to paint a beautiful mural, on that same blank, innocent, canvas of all the colors in the world. No pressure though, it's not like I could turn this child into a racist by a simple misunderstanding or a slip of the tongue. It's not like his lifelong behavior and attitude about ethnicity rested on this moment alone. Wait, it does rest on this moment. I'd better take this time to enlighten my son, as his memory of our heart to heart conversations, were photographic.

"Son we're Tongan because Nana and Papa were born in Tonga, and they moved here a long time ago. The palangi lady's family comes from somewhere else too, but we're all the same. We're human beings." He smiled softly as he looked out the window in to the sky, as if he was being reminded of something he had known for ages.

    I remember the moment I taught my son that we were human beings just a few years earlier. I never thought I'd need this crucial bit of information to explain to him what different races were. He was eating a bowl of cereal and he finished the bowl until there was nothing left but milk. He placed the bowl on the ground and started to lap the milk up like a cat. I told him to pick up his bowl. We are humans; only cats drink milk like that. Immediately I could see through his eyes, the gears in his head turning. Thus another barrage of deep, life questions began which lead us to our conversation about race.

    As a father, it is a big day, when your child can come to you for answers to questions that he has floating in his head. It is comforting to know that he trusts you and feels comfortable talking to you about tough questions. The fact that I'm the only adult in the truck right now, and the only person who can answer his questions is not important. I like to think we have a great relationship and it will never change. Often I would take him to run errands with me so that we could have these conversations. I know that in the near future, quality father and son time like this will become scarce.

    Now that I'm grown with a family of my own, I don't spend much one on one time with my own father anymore. Our conversations are now about my children and the issues I'm dealing with. Questions of parenting styles and experiences are the topic of our conversations now. However I can remember when I would ask my father questions to life's challenges and problems and I just knew that my father had all the answers. He showed me the value of teamwork and equal partnership in a marriage. Dialogue and conversation between father and son was welcomed, and he enjoyed answering my foolish questions of Who? What? Where? And Why? I feel this is why I am able to continue this type of parenting with my son.

    My son and I are sitting in line, against the wall at Ray's Barbershop on 2100 East and 1300 South. We're waiting for my cousin Red, a popular barber here in the valley because of his skill in cutting designs using one's hair. My son loves to have designs shaved in the side of his faux-hawk and the attention it brings him. The barbers and patrons are predominately minority, as it takes a special barber and training to cut ethnic hair. Several flat screen TV's are playing a variety of major sports events. Pictures of special haircuts and do's and a photo album of famous people who frequent the Shop adorn and decorate the walls. A young black man in his early 20's walks up to me and asks,

"Are you waiting for Red?"

"Yeah, my son and I are getting fades."

"I'm gonna get designs in my head right here" my son points to the right side of his head.

    The young man nods to Red to let him know his place in line, and takes a seat next to me. There isn't really a number system at the Barbershop, the Barbers just take a mental note of the order that customers come in. They can still choose which order they want to serve the patrons. Just as the young black man stands up and walks towards the vending machine, my son turns to me and whispers,

"Dad, why is he black for?"

    I chuckle, here we go again. I would've never known that the questions this brilliant child asks would educate me far more than it would him. With each question and conversation we have, it makes me step back and evaluate my position on such topics as race, science and politics. My son has taught me so much, and continues to open my mind to the innocence he possesses and the excitement and positive outlook he has on the world around him.

"I love your truck Dad, its huge!" he doesn't notice the $60,000 2011 Toyota Tundra next us at a red light. He doesn't care about the rusted bedsides, or broken window knobs. He'll never notice that the radio is missing out of the dash which allows us to have these conversations instead of listening to meaningless garbage, some call music now. To him, this is the best truck in the world. I completely agree.

"Son, when you're 16, you can have this truck! What do you think about that?"

"That's a good idea!" He smiles at me from his booster seat, a foot away, and looks to the road as we continue our drive down I-15.