Mind is racing

It's almost 1a.m. on a Friday night. My entire household is fast asleep.

And then there's me.

My mind is racing 100mph. My heart is pounding.

I can't sleep.

So I do what I know, to help ease my mind.

I write.

Please calm down. Take a deep breath and relax.

I can't.

The weight is too much. The pressure too great.

I'm done.

Stand next to me, no matter what. Tell me it'll be ok, even if it won't.

I need you.

My rock. My support. My greatest motivation.

I'm sorry.

I'm a man of my word. I won't let you down. I'll never I give up.

I promise!

Pressure

The pain in my chest woke me up at 4:30am this morning. The pressure and stress of it all is too much. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could feel emotional or mental stress, manifest itself physically. My mind is racing when my body just wants to rest.

All of the little things that we’ve complained about in the past, don’t seem so bad when you’re at risk of losing it all. Our once, tiny apartment with not enough storage or counter space; no closet or pantry, tiny refrigerator and nowhere to put a microwave; all of these things and more, I would give anything to guarantee they would still be ours!

My inability to perform, and be a good student has put us in this predicament. Again.

I knew it would be difficult trying to juggle family life, school life, work, bills, and all the responsibilities that come with student family life, but I had absolutely no idea that it would be this difficult.

The hardest part is the uncertainty.

Should we keep trying? Is this even what I should be doing? Is it too late to do anything else? If things don’t work out, where will we live? Where will we go? How will I provide for my family? Our kids love it here, and we just registered them for school. Kime is so excited to finally go to school with his older siblings at the ‘big kid’ school. For the first time we will only have one kid at home in the mornings.

Our tiny apartment is finally coming together. It has never felt so much like home, and it all could change within the next week.

It’s terrifying.

The worst part? I’ve let everyone down. My family, my friends, my kids. My wife.

I hope things workout, and I get another chance. I’ve done well these last few semesters and finally got a system going that works. But this class that I took last year, like an old festering wound, continues to haunt me.

At least we can say we tried. If that even means anything.

I’m so sorry to everyone that I may have let down. Especially my sweet wife, who was stood by me throughout these struggles, from day one. Sorry Love.

I tried.

Everyone Needs A Daughter

I had surgery less than a week ago that left a 7-inch incision on my abdomen, just at the belt line. Because the abdomen muscles were cut, it makes many simple motions, like standing up straight, coughing, sneezing, and laughing, a lot more difficult and painful. Today is Fast Sunday and I had a difficult time waking up on time as I didn’t finally get to sleep until 6am. I don’t move very fast, and still get a little light headed every now again for no reason. I know. Weak-sauce. Lol.

My wife decided to go to church without me and just take three of our four kids. I would’ve left my youngest son, Heikoti aka Koko-bear, because he’s the hardest to deal with in church. He hates sacrament meeting, hates nursery, and especially hates it when you’re sitting quietly in class, actively engaging in the lesson.

This is the precise moment that you hear a three-year child screaming at the top of his lungs, being escorted down the hallway towards the Sunday school class to be comforted by his parents. You recognize the cry as your own child, but sit quietly and wait for the teacher to come to the door and whisper your name and hand him over to you. Once in your hands, he smiles with victory as if his plan worked. We need another baby, so this one can be dethroned, but that’s another blog lol.

Instead of leaving my youngest, to make it easier for her, my wife left my 2^nd oldest child, and only daughter, the ever-so sweet Salote. Leaving my daughter to care for me shows the type of person my wife is; selfless, nurturing, always thoughtful, always considerate. Her daughter is exactly like her.

While still in bed, I gently call her name “Salote-hunny” (my nickname for her) “Yes Dad?” she lovingly replies and rushes into my room and stands at my bedside ready to assist. “Can you please get my medicine?” I ask in a raspy morning voice. She rushes to the kitchen, brings my medicine and tall glass of water. “I’m staying home from church today to take care of you. Do you need anything else?” she very politely asks.

She is just like her mother. Many times, during the hectic semester schedule, I find myself so exhausted after returning home from school, that I can’t seem to stay awake long enough to make my way to my bedroom. I walk into my home, greeted by my adoring children with hugs and kisses, and then plop! Right on the couch in the living room. I wake up, sometime later, laying down on a pillow with a thin, cool blanket over me. I apologize to my wife for knocking out, and thank her for the blanket and pillow; she tells me it wasn’t her that covered me with the blanket, it was my daughter Salote.

Not that sons aren’t capable of this, they most definitely are! This maternal instinct, to care for, to love and nurture, is just much more prevalent in my daughter. I’m grateful for this.

While sitting here watching tv (I know, it’s Sunday, I shouldn’t be watching tv, but it was the awesome ‘80’s and it was fascinating) my Salote-hunny, snuggles up next to me, kisses my nose and tells me she loves me. I hope she always feels this way. I hope she takes cares of my wife and I when we’re old. I hope she knows this, because I don’t want my sons to lol. They’d see me in my old age, sitting on the couch, throw me the remote and ask “You good Dad?”

I hope that we’re blessed with more daughters to come, but if we’re not and my Salote-hunny is my only earthly daughter(refer to my first post, you’ll know what I’m talking about lol) then I’m glad that I have an amazing daughter like her, that is just like her amazing mother.

Everyone, needs a daughter.

Path of enlightenment

Homosexuality. This post isn't about Church doctrine. It isn't about LGBT rights. It isn't even about changing your views or beliefs. Rather it's a post of my journey towards personal enlightenment and this never ending path of bettering my self. I wanted to post my comments as it's own post, be realize this topic isn't for everyone, and those interested, have already posted on this thread. Discussion is welcomed:

We had Dr. Bill Bradshaw, a retired Microbiology professor speak to us earlier this week. He is a former Mission President of the Hong Kong mission, served in the Stake Presidency and various other church positions as well. He presented to us studies, tests and real life evidence of how early embryonic development can drastically change the outcome of a child. How various testosterone's introduced during specific stages of development cue the body to begin developing cells that are exactly the same after fertilization, to begin specializing into various organs like a liver, stomach or heart. The absence of these testosterone's can have a huge a effect and the cause as wide spread as a cell not receiving the signals, or perhaps the testosterone's are unable to enter the cells during this stage. He presented tests that heterosexual men and women generally did better at, and how homosexual men and women seemed to follow the exact patterns of their heterosexual opposite. If you're gay or know someone who is, you can relate to these findings, and know exactly what Dr. Bradshaw is talking about. What he was trying to prove, was homosexuality is not a choice. People are born gay. To say that people are "not born gay because that means God made a mistake, and God doesn't make mistakes" is an outdated fallacy, and one that can be extremely hurtful. What I took from his presentation is, life is far too complicated for our feeble mortal minds to comprehend. There is no one answer. He presented a case of an individual that looked (physically) like a women yet she suffered from a disease called AIS (androgen insensitivity syndrome) which prevents an embryo to develop the male organs, even though the baby has XY chromosomes and should develop into a male, develops into the default sex of a female. Most people don't are unaware of this until they hit their teens and their parents take their daughter in to the doctors as to why she hasn't began the female processes that come with adolescents and tests will show that genetically she is a male. Again, the complexity is beyond our comprehension.

Later in the week we had a panel of 3 gay students here at BYU who are also LDS. "Jeff" who is gay, "Mike" who is bisexual and "Jenny" who is lesbian. Both men were converts to the church at ages 15 & 16. Both knew they were gay, and knew the church's stance, yet could not deny their testimonies and knew that they wanted to serve a mission someday to share the gospel message with others. One served in the Netherlands and the other in Ukraine. After their introductions I was the one who asked most of the questions. I asked questions like, Does it offend you when someone says 'that's gay'?, How did your homosexuality affect your mission and who on your mission knew? and the question that affected me and our panel the most that I asked was, How will the path of your sexuality and the path of this Gospel, cross and at which point will you decide, if you decide at all, that the paths must separate?
Jeff responded that he will put his future in God's hand. If there is a female that he is to be with, than he wants to know, a sign from God. If it doesn't work out that way, he'll deal with it at that point. Jenny said that she envisions a day when she and her wife, will be able to pick their kids up from primary, and sit together as a family in sacrament. To most of us these might seem a far way out or impossible at that. What got me was Mike's response. He said that he knew that he would eventually find a man that he loved and wanted to be with forever, and marry. He knew that by doing this, this path and the path with the church would end and he knew that he would be excommunicated. He knows without a doubt, that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and he did restore the gospel in these latter days. He also can't deny these feelings. If it is a "challenge" as some say, can you change your attraction towards the opposite sex? Because I was the only one in my class with children, Mike's answer affected me in a very different manner than it did the others.

I have children, that I love more than life itself! I would literally lay down my life for them, and promise to do everything in my power to help them live a long, healthy, happy life. I would have such a difficult time knowing that my child has a testimony of the church, yet knows that he will have to be excommunicated if he acts on these desires. The church's current stance for homosexuals is abstinence or celibacy. I just had a hard time putting myself in the shoes of the parents of these students. I love my wife and the relationship that we have. I couldn't imagine one of these students having to go through life, without a spouse or partner or at least not sharing the type of loving and nurturing relationship my spouse and I have, whether it's with the same sex or not. This is perhaps why Mike knew that he would eventually get married, even if it meant excommunication.

There is a woman in my class, who confided in me, that she was in fact gay. She is married to her husband in the temple, but loves him for the person that he is and the person he makes her by bringing out the best in her, yet she is attracted to females. I'm not sure how it all works, but for them it works, and I'm happy for her that she was able to find a person and a way that her path of same gender attraction and path of our church doctrine was able to co-exist. Many people are not able to find that compromise in this journey.

I grew up in a Tongan dominated, west side Salt Lake neighborhood of Glendale that was not very conducive to homosexuals, and the truth is we just didn't know much. Maybe it's not homophobic, but it sure isn't talked about. Not in our culture, neighborhood, or religion. The beginning of my enlightenment, surprisingly began with my military service which was a very homophobic (I hate that word by the way) yet I served along side many soldiers who essentially saved my life in certain situations in Iraq, and it wasn't until after our deployment that I learned they were gay. Had I known they were gay, maybe I wouldn't have gotten to know and appreciate them as a human being first, because I wouldn't have been able to get over that barrier, albeit was only a barrier for me, not them. Then I came home and married my wife, who was many cousins that are gay. Specifically when I met her first cousin Eldon Johnson, he absolutely changed my entire outlook, as I gained a love for him because I saw how much he loved everyone else around with, without judgement and very Christ-like even to those that judged him and even shouted vulgarities to him and his boyfriend, without even knowing what an amazing person he is. So, to Eldon, Thank you for helping me come this understanding, when I first joined the family over 10 years ago!
 
The most alarming part was the statistics of homeless young adults on the streets that come from LDS families, the statistics of young adults who contemplate or attempt suicide, who are members of our own families. I can't imagine what any of you had to go through when dealing with these questions. Noni, Kaho, my family who I love, I wonder about your stories as well and know that you are surrounded now by loved ones who matter. I admire your strength. This post was just about learning to love our family for who they are, family. Because some day, if your own flesh and blood, your own child, comes to you to tell you this, first I would be happy that we have a relationship where my child is comfortable enough to talk to me about this and secondly I would love them. Because we loved them before we knew this, why would it change? It shouldn't. To call yourself a follower of Christ, then turn away from a loved one, is incomprehensible. That's all folks. I hope I haven't offended anyone, again these are just my opinions, nothing more. Just love each other without placing judgement because many things are beyond our comprehension and understanding of our mortal minds. Our just, loving, Father in Heaven, knows all. This I do believe.

When Loved Ones Leave

Again, with all my other posts, this one is unedited, raw emotions and thoughts put down while I have a short break in between classes.

When a loved one leaves this life, especially unexpectedly, it's difficult because many times it leaves us with many unanswered questions. It leaves a void in our lives that can never be filled because that spot was created by and for the person, over years and years of laughing, crying, late nights joking around, walking to Sev for a nachos and Big Gulp, sharing secrets and all the little things that you shared together.

We all have a belief or a hope of what happens after death. If you're LDS you believe that there is absolutely life after this and the reunion with our friends and family on the other side is one filled with happiness and joy. We believe that if we live righteously we can be with our families together forever. We can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones no longer suffer from this cruel, painful earthly life, but rejoice in the belief that they are now with our loved ones that have passed on before us.

All of these beliefs bring comfort to the pain stricken, mourning soul......but sometimes, especially immediately after receiving such sad news, no words can help. There isn't anything that anyone can say that will help with the pain that you're feeling right then and there, and that's OK.

Sometimes it's just best to cry, be sad, reminisce and think of all the good times you had. Picture their smiling face and the way they always greeted you with a hug to brighten your day. Remember how important they always made you feel. Miss them. Cry for them......and nothing else. For this reason, I have no words of wisdom at the tragic news of the loss the Tua'one family is having right now, because when I lost close family members, I didn't want to be reminded that families can be forever. I didn't want to think that my grandpa who battled valiantly with cancer is no longer in pain. I wanted to be to left alone, and think of how badly I missed them, and I just wanted to cry, and be sad. And be mad at myself for not taking every opportunity to tell them I loved them, even though I already knew, that they knew, how much I loved them.

There will be a time for all of that, later, and comfort and healing will come in due time; but for now, just cry. Cry, be sad, mourn the beautiful life and positive impact that was left behind. I have no words of comfort. I will however pray, on your behalf, for comfort and peace and for the speedy recovery of my cousin Junior Keiaho. Ofa lahi atu famili Tua'one.

Kime

Insecurities....blah!

Definition of insecurity (n)

in·se·cu·ri·ty

 [ ìn sə kyrətee ]   

1. insecure condition: the state of being unsafe or insecure
2. unsafe feeling: a state of mind characterized by self-doubt and vulnerability
3. insecure phenomenon: an instance or cause of being insecure

Insecurity is a state of mind characterized by self-doubt and vulnerability. From personal experience, I’ve come to realize that another definition of insecurity can be an individual’s over-awareness of a physical attribute that they cannot immediately change. For my entire life, I’ve struggle with my smile, specifically my teeth. They’re crooked. And I’m the only one in my family that has this problem! My parents, and all my siblings have beautiful smiles, with gleaming white, straight teeth!

To any of you that have straight teeth, this may not seem like a big deal, but only because you have straight teeth, so it’s not something that you have to worry about! But to someone who has suffered with an imperfect smile, due to crooked teeth, pictures are always such a stressful event for me, because now that I’m married, my beautiful wife, and thankfully my children as well, have gorgeous smiles, with wonderfully white, straight teeth!

About a year and a half ago, while working for FedEx and having awesome insurance, I got braces! I was so excited about it, that I even wrote a blog about how having straight teeth would change my life! Lol. Yeah, I thought all my problems would be solved because obviously people with straight teeth have no problems at all!! Lol.

Since moving to Provo, attending BYU, which meant quitting FedEx over a year ago, I haven’t had insurance, which meant no orthodontist appointments, which means broken brackets, and missing wires in my mouth. Having all this hardware in my mouth is really just an insecure young man trying desperately to hold on to the dream of finally have straight teeth!

It’s been over 1 year since I’ve seen an orthodontist, and I’m finally accepting the fact the I may never experience, at least not in this lifetime, what it feels like to have straight teeth. What it feels like to smile with confidence! What it feels like to stand next to your beautiful wife and kids while a photographer tells your family to smile, and not feel completely insecure, and as the definition states: vulnerable.

Perhaps when I’m completely done with school, and am in a position financially I will get this taken care of. By then I’ll be in my late 30’s and I’m sure, I will not be any more secure or confident with myself then, than I am now, but only time will tell. Maybe then, I’ll be bald and over weight as well suffering from other ailments associated with aging, that my smile will be the least of my worries lol, who knows. If I could just find an orthodontist that could at least take these useless brackets off my teeth so I can finally enjoy biting into an apple or corn on the cob!

Until then, I will enjoy the beautiful smiles of the little ones that call me dad, and hope they never get crooked teeth! And in the likely event that they do get crooked teeth, I hope I’m in a position then to get them braces early on. I’ll just keep my lips closed, hiding my insecurities in each family picture, until I have insurance again, or when our earthly bodies are perfected in the next life. Which ever comes first :)

What's in the Name?

-->

When President George Albert Smith was young, his deceased grandfather George A. Smith appeared to him in a dream and asked, “I would like to know what you have done with my name.” President Smith responded, “I have never done anything with your name of which you need be ashamed.”

What’s in the name? My name is Kime Tuipulotu Lao. I was named after my maternal grandfather, the late Kime Tuipulotu Kinikini. I share his first & middle name. Because he was such a well known and well loved man, I am often mistakenly called Kime Kinikini by the older generation Tongans that knew my grandpa because the unique names are synonymous with each other.

             The name Kime is very much a family name, in fact I’ve never heard of any other person or persons with that name except from my grandpa and the many relatives, such as myself, that were named after him. I’m not even sure where he got his name from, although I’ve always speculated he was named after an early Christian missionary that may have visited the friendly island kingdom of Tonga, from which he originates.

            More times than I can count, upon hearing my name, strangers immediately knew my family history and genealogy, my parents, grandparents and from which village in Tongan each came from. It was amazing! I can remember riding the bus home in 3^rd grade and walking home to my grandparent’s house during a snowstorm. A young Tongan woman pulls up to me, rolls her window down and asks my name. I politely tell her my name is Kime and she interrupts and says to me “Oh, Kime! I’m your aunty! Get in the car and I’ll drive you home! I know where your grandparents live! How are grandpa & grandma doing?” And without hesitation I get into a complete strangers vehicle, and luckily she takes me right to my grandparents house!

            This exact scenario has played out many times in my life, and later as a young adult I would run into people who knew my grandpa and who’s lives had been touched so deeply by him, they continued to break down as they shared their connection and story with me, about my grandpa.

            For this reason, I’ve always felt nameless. Not like a person without a name, but more of an individual blessed to call myself after my grandpa Kime, an amazing man. I felt that the name was still his, not mine. I am called Kime, but the name is still his. It’s like running outside of your house into a rainstorm, and you grab your father’s jacket to wear to protect you from the storm. Even if your father let’s you keep the jacket, and no matter how long you have the jacket, in your mind the jacket is always your father’s.

            Likewise, my name has never really felt like my name. I have always felt privileged to bare my grandfather’s name. Like the modern day LDS prophet George Albert Smith, who had a dream that he met his grandfather, of the same name, hoped that he had made him proud of by his works and kept honor and dignity to his name, I too hope that when I meet my grandpa Kime again, I will be able to look him straight in the eye and say ‘Grandpa Kime, I’ve tried my best to uphold the honor and dignity of your name, by living a similar life of love and service.”

            I hope that my son (who I named after my grandpa, Kime Kinikini Lao, and not myself) has similar experiences of strangers walking up to him, upon hearing his name, and say to him “Kime….I knew a Kime once, he was a very kind gentleman.” I hope that my Uncle Kime and my several cousins that bare the name Kime Kinikini feel the same responsibility that I have and choose to honor our grandfather’s name accordingly.

            For this reason, I can remember taking great offense when others would intentionally mispronounce my name. It is an unusual name and very easy to confuse with many names more feminine like ‘Kim’ or ‘Kimmy’. Few things in this life could bring as much anger in my heart than to have someone purposefully make fun of my name, not because I feel like they’re making fun of me, but because I feel they are making fun of my grandfather’s name, who was a wonderful man! Of course they don’t know the weight that is tied behind the name, or the meaning or importance that I carry with it, which is the reason I can stay calm amidst other’s ignorance and lack or respect for a name.

            As I began, what’s in the name? For some, it’s something that sounds nice, or pretty. For others it’s completely random, spur of the moment type of decision. For many it’s to commemorate an event like a sibling on a mission, or other momentous event going on during their life. For my little family, each name is tied to an individual that mean a lot to us. My older brother & grandpa Sateki, whom my oldest son is named after, my wife’s maternal grandmother Salote Lasini Wolfgramm who was battling cancer when my daughter was born and who’s name my daughter now shares, my grandpa Kime Kinikini, who my 2^nd son is named after and my youngest son Heikoti, born when my youngest brother was serving his mission in Texas, the only missionary of us siblings. Everyone has different reasons behind the question, What’s in the name? 

           

My strength through the storm. My Wife :)

           As a family we’ve run into struggles, obstacles and difficulties that we did not expect. We had been living the family/student/work/church life for the last two years in West Valley while attending Salt Lake Community College and although we struggled, we always came through ok. I believe we will be ok regarding the current issues we’re dealing with because God is always aware of us, and our struggles. We face these struggles each day for a reason. It’s difficult to see the reason while you’re facing an obstacle. In fact, I can’t tell you the purpose of what’s happening now, but I know we’ll be ok if we keep pushing. The key to life is to never give up. I wish I could say that I’ve never wanted to quit or give up but that would be a lie. Which is why I’m writing today.

            Without going into too much detail, we are now facing struggles bigger than we have in the past. I have again started to question the path we’re on and the direction we’re headed and wonder whether or not we have what it takes to pull through. One thing I’m so grateful for is the problems we’re not facing! We are all healthy, all six of us! My relationship with my wife is wonderful, healthy, growing and ever evolving! Looking at the problems you’re not facing is a great way to be grateful for all that you do have.

            Last month, I had enough with this college life. I let the situation get the best of me and I wanted to give up. I just wanted to surrender. I wanted to quit; and this time I was very serious. White flag in hand and at the ready position to start waving in surrender. This is certainly not the first time I’ve wanted to quit, and most definitely wont be the last but this time I had no strength or will to see past the storm. I wasn’t able to look at the silver lining as I have done so many times in the past. This is where my wife comes in. She fills me with confidence and encouragement when I cannot find it from within myself. If it weren’t for her, I would have quit a long time ago and returned back to Salt Lake and started looking for a job and plan B or plan C.

            You see the value of a healthy, loving marriage is immeasurable. How can you put a price tag on words of encouragement? How can you put a value on a relationship where the other person involved makes you want to be a better person every day? You can’t. At the end of a tough day, week, semester she believes in me. When I am full of doubt and question, she holds steady and reassures me that we’re in the right place at the right time doing the right thing, and if we can just weather the storm everything will be fine.

            You see as the head of this family, it is my responsibility to keep calm amidst the chaos. And for majority of the time I play that role as best I can. But those few times where I am emotionally, spiritually, physically exhausted from the struggle, she comes through with that extra wind. She’s my reserve energy to finish the race. Like a marathon runner hitting ‘the wall’ at mile 13 with another 13 miles remaining in the race and they suddenly get that 2^nd wind and finish the race strong, that’s what my wife is to me. However she’s much more than my 2^nd wind in this marathon; She’s my 3^rd and 4^th and 5^th wind because this race we’re in isn’t defined with a finish line, it is however a series of races and obstacles that we face day in and day out.

Along this race we will need to continually push each other, finding the good in each day, taking the lessons from each conquered obstacle and applying it to next steep hill placed in front us. We have to stop occasionally to smell the roses on the side of the road to the top, appreciating the beauty in this journey. We have to boost each when we see the other is struggling. Metaphorically place their arm over our shoulder and continue to run. Remembering always that when we’re both struggling we need not look any further than into the eyes of our most prized blessings, the ones who call us Mom and Dad, and understand that although we are not perfect, and we do have faults, in their eyes we can do no wrong. I am so grateful for my wife and everything she does for our little family.

I can see why our church leaders push our YSA and RM’s to get married. Not only is it about happiness and love, it’s about having a partner that can push you through the difficult times. It’s about being that support for them on their rainy days. I’m grateful for her and search everyday for the reason why the Lord blessed me with such an amazing eternal companion.

I consider myself blessed each day I come home to my beautiful wife and kids. It’s my prayer that we can continue to be that rock for each other, and I pray that others can find what they are looking for as well, to experience this happiness and completeness that I feel with my family. Just feeling blessed through the storms and thought I’d write these random thoughts down.

Again, as with most of my blogs, these thoughts are mine; unedited, no revisions or rough drafts; Straight from my mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen as a reminder of what I was thinking or feeling this particular moment in time. Have a blessed day family!

Do you treat your eldest child any different?

            Do you treat any of your kids different than you do your other kids? If you do, what is the reason? To be honest I do, and I’m not sure if it’s cultural or societal, or maybe a combination of both.

            I come from a family of 6 kids, 3 boys and 3 girls. You could say we’re the Tongan Brady Bunch as our order is boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, however we’re all from the same parents J The oldest child is my brother Sateki, followed by oldest sister Makuliti and then Me and the rest of my siblings. Growing up I could see that Sateki was treated very different from the rest of us. Being the oldest child, and a boy, he bore a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. If he did good, we all celebrated and tried to follow his example. If he made a decision contrary to what my parents have taught us, it seemed that he was made an example of to teach the rest of us a lesson as well. With this in mind I believe we come to earth in a particular order for a reason. I have no doubt in my mind that my brother was meant to be the oldest, because of his leadership qualities, his love and patience for us and his ability to communicate with our family and take lead when my father is not there to make a big decision.

            In my own family, I see that I do treat my oldest son, who I named after my older brother Sateki, very different from my other kids as well. Admittedly, I am very hard on him. I push him to make good decisions, I correct him when he makes bad decisions and the reason is: his younger siblings are watching and following him. Am I wrong for doing this? Should they all be treated the same? I’m not sure of the correct answer, but I do know that I put a lot of responsibility on his young 6 year old shoulders as the eldest of my children and I do expect great things from him, as I do all my children, but especially him as he will be setting the example for his younger siblings.

            Perhaps I’m harder on him as well, because I know his potential and I want him to live his life accordingly to reach his potential. I’m sure as parents that’s all any of us want. I’m sure that’s all our parents wanted for us. Sometimes I have to step back and remind myself that he’s only a kid, and that I need to just chill out and let him make mistakes and be a kid. Sometimes I know that I’ve been too hard on hm. These are the times that I pull him aside and tell him how much I love him and how great he is now, and how great he will be.

            Again just a few random thoughts from a father learning new things every day. Have a blessed day family!

Keeping The Language Alive

We had a discussion in my Tongan Language class today that I felt was rather interesting. The topic was how quickly our language can be lost growing up in a country other than the one your parents were born in; for me it’s being born and raised in the U.S. and my parents who were born in friendly island kingdom of Tonga.  

I wish that my parents spoke to us in Tongan more, during our upbringing. Maybe it was because they moved here and struggled with school, work and life in general trying to learn English. For them, teaching us English would only benefit us, as it is the language here. Then again, we would learn English anyways from school and our friends, why not teach your kids your native language in the home, and raise them bilingual? Quickly I had to take the blame off parents because in my household, my older brother and sister speak and comprehend Tongan very well. We were raised in the same home, and I think it was the effort that they put into understanding and learning the language outside of the home that made the difference. Whenever we would visit our grandparents they would try to speak Tongan to them whereas I could understand my grandparents well, I just chose to respond to them in English, afraid of making mistakes in Tongan. Looking back, who better to practice and learn Tongan from than your own family.

After continued conversation, my Tongan Language professor asks me “Knowing what you know, what are you doing in your own household to teach your kids Tongan?” I had no good answer for him. Again, I’m embarrassed that I don’t know proper sentence structure or may be unfamiliar with certain names of verbs or nouns. I do teach them nouns and verbs that I do know. I speak a combination of English and Tongan to them (I affectionately call Tonglish) and they have done well with so far. I should, however, make more of an effort to speak more to my kids in Tongan. Speaking it in the house will help improve my Tongan as well as my kids. Lesson of the day, teach your kids what you know of your language. The ability to speak multiple languages, regardless of which language, can only help their ever growing brains.

A Void

It’s almost 1am on a Friday night. My wife and I are just hanging out. Since leaving FedEx 3 months ago, I’ve enjoyed staying up late with my love, and enjoying Saturday mornings with her, and greeting each of my kids as they wake up one by one.

My wife is currently watching the TV series ‘Army Wives’ on Netflix. Just watching this show brings back a flood of memories of my time in the Army. I miss the camaraderie of the Army. I miss the brotherhood. I miss the feeling of belonging to a team; of belonging to something bigger than myself. There are 3 things that I would die for: My religion, my family, and my country. I wanted so bad to be a part of something again. I wanted to do something that my family could be proud of. My kids have no memory of me in the Army as they were young towards the latter part of my military career.

I tried out for the Rugby team recently with the hopes of filling this void. I’m not a rugby player, and I offer no excuses. I just wasn’t good enough, and didn’t make the final cut. I’m not fit; I have little to no knowledge of the game. I’m ok with not making the cut, but the void is still there. Who knows, perhaps the team wouldn’t have filled anything. What I do know is I miss the Army life. I’m not sure if I miss it enough to dawn the uniform again, because the opportunity is still here to join the ROTC and become an Officer. I will say this; regardless of all of my shortcomings, and regardless of all the things that I am not, one thing that I know for sure, that I was…I was a good Soldier.

Provo Update

Well it’s been quite a while since last I’ve posted and I think it’s about time. It’s almost midnight here in Provo and my entire family is sound asleep behind me on the living room floor. Yes, Provo. We moved from our 5 bedroom 2 bath, two level, fully fenced in West Valley home, to a 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment of Wymount Terrace; part of Brigham Young University’s on campus family housing…and we love it! Not only are we saving hundreds of dollars on rent, but this means that we’re another step closer in our journey of education! To be honest with you, I would’ve never thought that I would ever be a student here! At BYU? And my baby sister is a Freshman here as well!

                I’m still at FedEx and hoping that a position opens up at the FedEx Orem location before classes start June 18^th. If not, FedEx and I may have to part ways. It’s a fantastic job, with great pay and benefits, and I’m very good at my job (Courier.) However, I will not let anything hold or delay my schooling even one semester, not even my job. We don’t have much time, we’re only getting older, and there will never be an “ideal” time to go to school. If we waited for the “right” time to go to school, we’d be waiting all our lives. It’s just something that you have to just jump into, literally a leap of faith.

                On that note, I have to say, we have been blessed immensely on this journey of education, and I can’t help but recognize our Heavenly Father’s hand in our lives every day! We have been blessed each step of the way! It seems that each time we’re in a difficult spot or situation, doors open and opportunities present themselves at just the right moment, that propel our little family in the direction that we should go!

                I have difficulty finding reasons why we have been blessed so much, and I can never put my finger on it. My family is in good health. We always have food on our table and clothes on our backs. Our vehicles run well, getting us from point A to B safely. Something I think about often, especially with the return of my younger brother Heikoti Lao from his 2 year LDS mission in Ft Worth TX, is the fact that I never went on a mission. It is said that the longer a Missionary works in the rain or the harder the Missionary works on his mission the more beautiful his wife will be. If beauty is what you’re looking for then that is fine and dandy. I did not serve an LDS Mission, yet I was blessed with a talented, hardworking, loving, nurturing, self-less, respectful, spiritual wife who pushes me to be a better Man each and every day!....not to mention she is gorgeous!

                Anyways, a brief update on our family: My oldest son Sateki just finished his first year of preschool and will be starting Kindergarten our here in Provo in the fall. Salote is 4 and will be starting preschool at the end of summer. Kime will be 3 in June and is a hilarious addition to our family. Heikoti is the baby of our family at 11 months, and is the Sunshine baby of our troops! We’re so excited to be here, and look forward to the coming years as we continue this difficult, struggling, student/family life and know that it will all be worth it in the end. Until next time, as always, have a blessed day! J

Kime Lao

The Sound that would forever Change My Life!

              A young, nervous couple, sit in patient room number 4. The beautiful young woman laying nervously on the patient bed, her hand off to the side, fingers interlaced with her husband to be. He holds her hand tightly, as an affirmation that everything will be ok. They gaze into each other’s eyes, and see the truth of the situation. They’re both unsure of the future ahead, and unsure of the obstacles that lay ahead of them. The only thing they are sure of, is they love each other more than they ever thought possible. No matter what life will throw at them, no matter what difficulties await them, no matter what obstacles lurk around the corner, they have each other. This is the only comfort they have right now. It’s the only comfort they need.

               

               The Mid wife walks in, smiles at the young, anxious couple and asks her young patient a few questions. Her questions are very frank, and she expects answers to be as well. Some questions feel rather personal, but that’s why the couple finds themselves in this room. Little do they know, these questions will later become ordinary and routine, and will not feel so uncomfortable in the near future.

                The Mid wife puts her gloves on, and removes a small bag containing some necessary tools. The young woman nervously looks at her Man, and he squeezes her hand with a little more pressure to assure her, he’s here and he’s not going anywhere. Sensing their uneasiness, the Mid wife reassures them, that she’s done this thousands of time. She’s been in this field for over 35 years, and to trust her, everything will be ok.

                A small speaker box is pulled out with a device on the end that looks like a microphone. She places a generous amount of blue gel on the end and warns the young woman that it will be cold for second, and then it will warm up. She places the receiver coated with gel, on the young woman’s belly and immediately inaudible sounds resonate from the speaker. Gently she moves the device up and down the belly and the sound from the speaker is similar to the open ocean. It’s almost calming. Then suddenly a thumping sound is heard.

                “Lub, dub. Lub, dub.”

                With great excitement the couple grin from ear to ear.

                “Is that….” The young woman begins.

                “Hang on now” the Mid wife interrupts “that’s the sound of your heartbeat.

                She continues to move the instrument around, this time pushing further down and with a little more force. She angles it downward, and pulls it at different angles like a professional treasure hunter looking meticulously for that hidden treasure that she knows is there, just beneath the surface concealed from the naked eye.

                Just then, a very faint a distinguished and much faster paced set of sounds appears.

                “Lub dub Lub dub Lub dub Lub dub.”

                “There it is!” The treasure hunter exclaims.  “That is your baby’s heart beat!”

                The couple starts to cry. Tears stream down both of their faces. The young father to be, stands up and embraces his Love. They weep uncontrollably in each other’s arms, amazed at the sound of this wonderful miracle being created in the womb of this loving mother. This child has no idea how excited his future parents are to hear his little heartbeat.

                This simple sound was a harmony that would change the course of my life. This sound would change me forever. I did not know then, that this would be the beginning of the most difficult, challenging, yet happiest, and fulfilling times of my life! Fatherhood, married life, and all the joys associated with it. I’m grateful to my wife, and our ever growing eternal family, for our humble beginnings, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Sea of Uncertainty

              With a few moments to myself, in an empty house, I feel the need to write a few lines, while these emotions are fresh. I just left our Stake Presidents’ office to complete the last part of my application to BYU! Tomorrow morning the U of U is holding an open house for transfer students from SLCC. I will be attending that as well, just in case I don’t get accepted to the Y.

                I feel that because I want so badly to get into the Y, I won’t. Just because. It’s just my luck to get accepted to Universities around the world (even though I haven’t applied anywhere else, mysteriously acceptance letters would fill my mailbox in the coming weeks) and the school that I so desperately hope to get into, rejects me.

                Against the advice of so many people in the medical field, to just give up on the Y and go to the U because there I will have opportunities to meet and rub shoulders with people in the Medical field that can help further my career aspirations. Against the advice of so many, to just give up on childhood dreams and silly football loyalties of going to the Y, and do the smart thing, stay in your comfort zone, go to the U, stay in Salt Lake,  get a great education from an awesome school and still live here in Salt Lake. Against all of this, for some reason beyond explanation, I want so badly to go to the Y. It isn’t because of childhood dreams of playing football for the Cougars, or loyalty to my family’s “team.” I wish I could explain it…but I simply can’t.

                Perhaps it’s for exactly all the opposite reasons why I should stay here and go to the U. Maybe I want to get out of Salt Lake, live in a tiny apartment with my family of 6, and struggle through college. Maybe I don’t want to meet and rub shoulders with individuals of the medical field that can help me get into the program I want. Maybe I want to run away from Here, and disappear in Utah County and re-emerge years later as a successful man. In whatever career I happen to choose throughout these next crucial two years. To be completely honest, these uncharted waters I am leading my family into scare me so much, I have difficulty sleeping at night, wondering if I’m making the right decisions. The decisions I choose now, not only affect me, but they affect my entire little family! That type of responsibility, that type of weight on one man’s shoulders is enough to make one physically weak. And hopefully bring him to his knees. In prayer.

                I can’t tell you how scared I am of the unknown path we’re on or where we’re headed. I can’t tell you how unsure I am of what I want to do when I grow up, or how I plan to support my family as we grow older. I can talk all day long, of my plan B’s and my plan C’s or plan D & E if those all fail, but I can’t, for the life of me, tell you what my plan A is. All I do know, is I want to go to college, and further my education. I hope to find out what I want to do during these last two years of college. I know that I want a career that will allow my wife to never have to work again, and allow me time to spend with my kids. I don’t care about money or material things, as I did not have those things growing up. Driving a beautiful foreign car, or having a vacation home in the tropics doesn’t appeal to me. All I want is more time with my family.

                The one thing that helps me through this sea of doubt, is my wife and the anchor she is for me. Where ever this crazy road takes us, which ever career path we end up at, we will be in this together. Throughout this difficult time, throughout the stresses of school and work, her smile alone brings a calm and serenity to this sea of doubt that I cannot explain. I’m positive she has no idea how much I love to come home to her smiling face, and to be greeted by my crazy kids running from their room to hug me at the door. In this sea of uncertainty, my precious cargo, my family, will anchor me through the storm.

Medicinal use of Sprite

    Tongans use many different "home remedies" to fix injuries and ailments from broken bones to burns and scrapes; from the common cold and flu to migraine headaches to sore muscles and joints. Growing up I can think of several different occasions where these "home remedies" where used on myself and my siblings. Many times, I thought they were completely ridiculous, but our Tongan Elders swore by these remedies.

    One time my older brother Sateki, was skateboarding down a very steep hill, behind my grandparents' house and he hit a rock and flew off the board. He landed on his back and slid several feet before grinding to a halt, sustaining serious road rash injuries to his shoulders and back. We rushed him to our grandmother's house and immediately she pulls out a stick of butter, and begins generously applying the butter all over my brothers' roadrashed back. He screamed out in pain, but obediently allowed my grandmother to finish the application of the entire stick of butter. Later in life, as we grow and learn about injuries and how the body heals itself during traumatic injury, I learned that applying generous amounts of butter directly onto an open wound, such as road rash, is exactly would you should never do! My grandma is so funny!

    Many of us have horror stories of dislocating a joint such as a hip or shoulder, or spraining an ankle or knee. The Tongan remedy for this is to be taken to a trained individual such as a chiropractor or other joint specialist, but not really trained in a traditional chiropractor school; more of a talent or specific knowledge passed on from one generation to the next. These Tongan massage therapists fota or "massage" the affected or injured areas and cause a great deal of pain to the individual. I will say, I was a skeptic of this practice at first, until I saw first-hand, someone with sore joints and muscles walk out of the session pain free.

    Anyway, the Tongan "home remedy" I seem to have remembered the most from my own childhood, is the remedy used to cure upset stomach, and the stomach flu. As a child, I can remember coughing so bad that I would begin to vomit. When I would have food poisoning or the stomach flu, I can remember the same remedy being applied to help cure this as well. A Super Big Gulp of Sprite! Yes, I can remember staying home from school because I was vomiting the night before, and my mother buying me my very own Super Big Gulp of Sprite, and it was made known, that this Sprite was only for me and no one else was allowed to touch it! I'm not sure if the carbonation or the lemon-lime flavor actually cures upset stomach, but for some reason it always helped me feel better. I can remember feeling special knowing that the Super Big Gulp in the fridge was only mine. I felt special staying home from school, watching cartoons sippin' on this magical elixir.

    Now that I have kids of my own, I see myself using some of these "home remedies" with my kids. Although I haven't used a stick of butter on my children's open wounds yet, I have run to the store in the middle of the night, on several occasions to buy my kids a Super Big Gulp of Sprite. I sit them on the couch with a warm blanket around them, turn the TV to the Cartoon Network and make sure everyone in the house knows, the Sprite in the fridge is only for the sick kid. I make them feel special, like my mom did to me, and within a day, the vomiting stops, and which ever ailment they were suffering from is completely gone. This is the widely used, but largely unknown Medicinal use of Sprite. J

The Great Debate

The issue that I find myself facing every single day is time management. In order to be successful in completing our family goals, we need to prioritize. We have to decide where we will spend our time, and money, which family events we should or have to go to, which items do we deem a necessity and or need and which are just a want. Often our culture dictates precedence of certain family functions to attend and not attend. There are some events that are optional, and some that you wouldn’t dare miss simply because showing face, in our culture, actually goes a long way.

So the issue that I, and all other parents, is how much time should you spend with your family, and how much should you spend at work. Obviously if there is an opportunity to work longer hours to make more money, then by all means, stay at work longer, and make that money to provide for your family. Currently I’m out of class on our winter break in between semesters. This extra time out of school would allow me to spend more time at work, longer days delivering packages, therefore giving me a bigger check. However, with the extra time, I can’t help but get excited at the thought of a short work day, to rush home and see my wife and kids, and plan a fun filled day with activities at somewhere like Classic Skating, or Jungle Jim’s!

The responsible thing to do in my position would be to stay at work, actively look for opportunities to make more money at work, by picking up routes or stop for a longer day. The responsible thing to do would be to save as much money as possible right now, because when classes start, I’ll be working less so that I can rush to class staying at school longer to study which means less time all together with my kids. Those are what a responsible adult would do….I’ve never been very responsible, and I still do not consider myself an adult really, so I’ve decided to do things a little different:

This whole week I’ve been getting off early so that I can be home with my kids. I sit in my living room and wait as each child wakes up and runs from their bedrooms to the living room, screaming good morning to me! Kime is usually the first to wake up, followed by Lote, then baby Koti, and finally Teki as he is usually the last to go to bed. They all walk down the hallway rubbing their eyes, looking for something to eat. Each one is surprised to see me sitting there, as I usually go straight to school from work. These mornings with my kids, I cherish as I know the time is approaching fast, where they will be driving themselves to High School and leaving so abruptly from the house, they won’t even notice me sitting there waiting to greet them.

I’ve opted out of the responsible thing to do, make less money, and spend more time with my kids during this short two week break, because I think of them the entire day that I’m at school or stuck in the library studying. Often time while reading one of my books, a thought or memory of my kids doing something hilarious will pop into my head, and I’ll laugh out loud drawing awkward stares from fellow students in the library wondering what could be so funny in a biology book that would make an individual laugh out loud. It’s usually at those times that I call home just to hear my wife or children’s voices to hold me over til the end of the day. More often than not, the suspense of throwing my children up in the air or hearing their laughs is too much, and the thought of them, typically signals the end of my studies for the day, and jump in my car and rush home to see them.

Like I said, I’ve never been very responsible and I don’t really feel like an adult, and my decisions reflect that. I have less money, this holiday break then I should. I understand the statement “Starving Student” but my kids don’t ever have to know what that means. I love them all too much for them to ever know, these struggles we go through as parents, are all for them. And this, is the great debate.

End of the Year

          While I have a second to myself this morning, I've decided to just write down a few random thoughts as we close out this 2011 year. As a family, my beautiful wife and I just turned 28! our son Sateki is 5, daughter Salote is 3 and will be turning 4 Jan 10th, son Kime is 2 and completely potty trained! and we added a baby boy to the family that we name after my brother serving in Ft. Worth TX, little Heikoti Lao!

          We have a few goals, and milestones we hope to reach this up coming New Year. I graduate from SLCC with my AA and having completed all my Nursing Pre-req classes as well! My wife wants to celebrate, but I don't think this accomplishment warrants a celebration. I've still got plenty of schooling left, and the very difficult classes lay ahead of me. She reminded me although it's just an Associates, it will be the first college grad on bothsides of our family, so I guess it's a big deal. My reasoning against a celebration is, college students in a 4 year college, don't have a celebration when they finish their Sophomore year in College....do they?

          At any rate, I have to complete my application to BYU asap! My cummulative GPA just dropped to 3.41 after this last semester which may sound bad to many, but if you knew my past GPA's you would be elated! lol. Going the route I plan with my schooling, medical no doubt yet unsure which specific direction to take, going to the U of U would be the wisest decision. However I can't help that I've been a Cougar fan my whole life, and the oppurtunity to call my self a Cougar, is irresistable. Even if I don't get in, at least I tried. Even if I get in and don't finish there, at least I tried. Even if I just get accepted, get my student ID and then go to the U just so I can say I was a Cougar, that'd be good enough for me! lol.

          That's all for now. Just a few notes to remind me where we were at the end of 2011. I want to be able to look back and read these blogs to remind my family what we were doing and the progress we were making in life. We do have a lot to work on, but slowly and surely, we're pluggin' along! Happy New Year's to all of you. I hope this New Year fills your homes with love, laughter and blessings!

I hope it's all worth it

     It's been a while since I've posted anything. Not because I've had nothing to write about, actually quite the opposite. We've been sooo busy. It's 11:15pm and my sick wife, and 4 babies are all in bed. The house is quite and I'm able to gather my thoughts. Yet in the silence my thoughts are how much I love my family and how I couldn't imagine my life without them.
     Fall Semester begins on Wednesday and I'm a little nervous. These next two semesters will be tough. Last semester was the first time since I don't know when, that I've gotten a 4.0! I didn't want to make a big deal because I didn't think my classes were that difficult but my wife (for some reason) thinks that it's a big deal. A big deal for me will be if I can pass these next two semesters, graduate in May and continue our plan, and my education.
     I think I've enjoyed these past few weeks off from school and with my family more than I could ever put into words. The struggle and decisions that I go through everyday is wanting to spend more time with my family, but I know I have to work and go to school to provide for them a better life in the future. I feel like I'm missing out on valuable time with my children as they are growing up. Often times life can get stressful and I hate myself when I take my frustrations out on my kids. My lil' best friends. I hope this is all worth it. They say money can't buy happiness, but if it could buy me more time with my family, I would be very happy.
     You see, I have a very difficult time spending any amount of time away from wife and kids than necessary. I miss my family when I'm at work and school and think about them constantly. I hate to sound cheesy but I laugh out loud in class when a thought of my kids doing something funny pops into my head. I still get excited when I haven't seen my wife all day, and I pull up to my house and see her on the porch waiting for me to come home. I do still get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of her beautiful smile. I pray this never changes. A very convincing argument for me in gaining my testimony, was how much I love my wife and kids. Why would God want something so perfect to end here on earth? Why should 'til death do we part' make any sense? Exactly, it doesn't!
     Anyways, they are my motivation. They drive me. My wife and kids make me a better person. A better Man, husband and father. It's difficult. Life is difficult. Why would it be any other way though? How could we celebrate triumph without a difficult, nearly impossible path to our goal. I just hope it's worth it. When we reach our goal after all this schooling is done, I hope it allows me a job where I can attend the sporting events that my kids will be involved in. I hope to have Saturdays off so that my little family can go on camping trips, fishing, boating, BBQing and hunting trips. Yes hunting. Anytime alone with my family is quality time. I hope to provide a life for my family where our worries are how we can help other's in need because our needs are met. I hope that we can find ways and opportunities to serve others. I hope my kids can worry about their classwork and activities and not worry about food or clothes because I will cover those necessities. Above all, I just hope that these struggles we face day in and day out.....are worth it :)

BRACES!!

I went to my first of many appointments with my Orthodontist today. Normally, one would hate an appointment like this but I was quite excited. I will be getting braces! and I can't tell you how excited I am! I'm sure it'll be painful, and I'm sure I won't be able to eat half of what I'm eating now, but the end result is all I'm thinking about!

For people that have beautiful, straight, white smiles (everyone in my family, parents, sibilings and their spouses and children and inlaws EXCEPT ME!) straight teeth are something I'm sure you take for granted! I've been self conscience about my smile since 4th grade, when the eventful afternoon in elementary triggered this whole dilema:

I was eating an apple during lunch time, and I had a loose tooth. I bit down on the apple and out popped the loose tooth at an awkward angle. I was always told that loose teeth have to be pulled out with great care, because if they are pulled out crooked, they will grow back crooked. (there may or may not be studies to support this, I was just told this as a child and have taken this as law) As soon as I saw the new tooth growing in at an angle I cursed that stupid apple! I knew from then on, my smile would never be the same!

I always had low self esteem, and this was one of the reasons why, along with a number of other physical attributes I inherited from my Tall Father! lol. I never smiled with my teeth showing, I hated talking close to people or strangers as people would notice, my imperfect teeth! I hated pictures, school or family. This really is something that I've had a hard time dealing with, and you people with straight, white, gorgeous teeth will never know.

So I day dreamed my future as I sat there in the reception area of what would happen after this is all done! I pictured a commercial like the Windows 7 software where there is a person telling a story about themself. They are a normal looking or slightly less attractive person telling a story, and in the dream or reenactment there is a handsome or attractive looking person playing them as they narrate their story. Well, here's my story:
A young polynesian man walks slowly towards the Orthodontists office, dragging his feet, with his hands in his pocket, shoudlers down, starring at the ground. He stops in front of the office and sighs as the stresses of life weigh heavy on his mind. If only there were something that could fix all his problems. Just then he looks up and see's a sign in front of the Dental Office that reads "Stress holding you down? Crooked teeth the source of all your problems? Well come on in and let us solve all your problems!" He runs in, signs the paper work and takes a seat in the dental chair. Just then the dental assistants strap his hands and legs down for his own safety for the pain that the Orthodontist is about to inflict. Nervously he sits, then the Dr. steps in masked up with a welding mask on. He steps up to the chair and turns on the saw, Sparks fly everywhere as this is the most extensive procedure he has ever seen! 15 minutes later, I step out the chair a new man. I turn around a smile at the camera with pearly whites that sparkle and light up the whole room. Then Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson thanks the Dental staff for their hard work and walks out the building a New Man! All of the Rocks (Me) problems are solved! With his new grill, nothing can stop him or get him down!

I will say that I'm pretty stoked to get this grill fixed, and will post pictures of the before and after! I will be all smiles in a few short months! Wish me luck!

Teaching My Son about Race

"Did you like that palangi lady's house son?"

"What is palangi dad?"

"Palangi means white; she was a white lady."

"What are we dad? Are we palangi?"

"No son, we're Tongan; we're brown."

"Tongan?" he asks puzzled. He points to the brown stripes on his flannel shirt. "Is this Tongan?"    

My family has a pickup truck they use as a utility vehicle. It is a 1992 Ford F-150 with mud swamper tires. It's pretty beat up, with rust marks along all the wheel wells, faded maroon paint and the seats have tears throughout with the foam protruding out where ever it can find sunlight. He handed me the keys and said if I could register it, I could have it. Gee, thanks I guess? I never knew how valuable this truck would become to me and my family. As a trade in, a dealership would probably point and laugh, and pay me just to take it off the lot. However, in my family, this truck's value far exceeds its Kelly Blue book listing. Because we use this truck to serve others and the road trips can be miles away, it creates a comfortable environment for my son and I to converse. This truck is invaluable as it creates a safe haven for me and my 4 year old son to contemplate life's deepest questions. One such event took place last month when my son asked about race and the dialogue that followed.

I thought very carefully about what I would say and the direction I would take this conversation. I realized that situations very similar to this play out around the world every day, between father and sons. This pivotal moment in my son's perception of the world and his own cultural identity were at stake. I had the opportunity now, as many fathers in this position have, to pass on ideals of bigotry and close mindedness, to fill his mind with poison and ethnocentrism and corrupt this blank canvas. OR I could use this opportunity to teach my son the beauty of the human race. To teach him we're all brothers and sisters of different shades and levels of melanin under skin tissue made up of 99% same DNA. And to paint a beautiful mural, on that same blank, innocent, canvas of all the colors in the world. No pressure though, it's not like I could turn this child into a racist by a simple misunderstanding or a slip of the tongue. It's not like his lifelong behavior and attitude about ethnicity rested on this moment alone. Wait, it does rest on this moment. I'd better take this time to enlighten my son, as his memory of our heart to heart conversations, were photographic.

"Son we're Tongan because Nana and Papa were born in Tonga, and they moved here a long time ago. The palangi lady's family comes from somewhere else too, but we're all the same. We're human beings." He smiled softly as he looked out the window in to the sky, as if he was being reminded of something he had known for ages.

    I remember the moment I taught my son that we were human beings just a few years earlier. I never thought I'd need this crucial bit of information to explain to him what different races were. He was eating a bowl of cereal and he finished the bowl until there was nothing left but milk. He placed the bowl on the ground and started to lap the milk up like a cat. I told him to pick up his bowl. We are humans; only cats drink milk like that. Immediately I could see through his eyes, the gears in his head turning. Thus another barrage of deep, life questions began which lead us to our conversation about race.

    As a father, it is a big day, when your child can come to you for answers to questions that he has floating in his head. It is comforting to know that he trusts you and feels comfortable talking to you about tough questions. The fact that I'm the only adult in the truck right now, and the only person who can answer his questions is not important. I like to think we have a great relationship and it will never change. Often I would take him to run errands with me so that we could have these conversations. I know that in the near future, quality father and son time like this will become scarce.

    Now that I'm grown with a family of my own, I don't spend much one on one time with my own father anymore. Our conversations are now about my children and the issues I'm dealing with. Questions of parenting styles and experiences are the topic of our conversations now. However I can remember when I would ask my father questions to life's challenges and problems and I just knew that my father had all the answers. He showed me the value of teamwork and equal partnership in a marriage. Dialogue and conversation between father and son was welcomed, and he enjoyed answering my foolish questions of Who? What? Where? And Why? I feel this is why I am able to continue this type of parenting with my son.

    My son and I are sitting in line, against the wall at Ray's Barbershop on 2100 East and 1300 South. We're waiting for my cousin Red, a popular barber here in the valley because of his skill in cutting designs using one's hair. My son loves to have designs shaved in the side of his faux-hawk and the attention it brings him. The barbers and patrons are predominately minority, as it takes a special barber and training to cut ethnic hair. Several flat screen TV's are playing a variety of major sports events. Pictures of special haircuts and do's and a photo album of famous people who frequent the Shop adorn and decorate the walls. A young black man in his early 20's walks up to me and asks,

"Are you waiting for Red?"

"Yeah, my son and I are getting fades."

"I'm gonna get designs in my head right here" my son points to the right side of his head.

    The young man nods to Red to let him know his place in line, and takes a seat next to me. There isn't really a number system at the Barbershop, the Barbers just take a mental note of the order that customers come in. They can still choose which order they want to serve the patrons. Just as the young black man stands up and walks towards the vending machine, my son turns to me and whispers,

"Dad, why is he black for?"

    I chuckle, here we go again. I would've never known that the questions this brilliant child asks would educate me far more than it would him. With each question and conversation we have, it makes me step back and evaluate my position on such topics as race, science and politics. My son has taught me so much, and continues to open my mind to the innocence he possesses and the excitement and positive outlook he has on the world around him.

"I love your truck Dad, its huge!" he doesn't notice the $60,000 2011 Toyota Tundra next us at a red light. He doesn't care about the rusted bedsides, or broken window knobs. He'll never notice that the radio is missing out of the dash which allows us to have these conversations instead of listening to meaningless garbage, some call music now. To him, this is the best truck in the world. I completely agree.

"Son, when you're 16, you can have this truck! What do you think about that?"

"That's a good idea!" He smiles at me from his booster seat, a foot away, and looks to the road as we continue our drive down I-15.