The pain in my chest woke me up at 4:30am this morning. The
pressure and stress of it all is too much. I can’t remember a time in my life
when I could feel emotional or mental stress, manifest itself physically. My
mind is racing when my body just wants to rest.
All of the little things that we’ve complained about in the past, don’t seem so bad when you’re at risk of losing it all. Our once, tiny apartment with not enough storage or counter space; no closet or pantry, tiny refrigerator and nowhere to put a microwave; all of these things and more, I would give anything to guarantee they would still be ours!
My inability to perform, and be a good student has put us in this predicament. Again.
I knew it would be difficult trying to juggle family life, school life, work, bills, and all the responsibilities that come with student family life, but I had absolutely no idea that it would be this difficult.
All of the little things that we’ve complained about in the past, don’t seem so bad when you’re at risk of losing it all. Our once, tiny apartment with not enough storage or counter space; no closet or pantry, tiny refrigerator and nowhere to put a microwave; all of these things and more, I would give anything to guarantee they would still be ours!
My inability to perform, and be a good student has put us in this predicament. Again.
I knew it would be difficult trying to juggle family life, school life, work, bills, and all the responsibilities that come with student family life, but I had absolutely no idea that it would be this difficult.
The hardest part is the uncertainty.
Should we keep trying? Is this even what I should be doing?
Is it too late to do anything else? If things don’t work out, where will we
live? Where will we go? How will I provide for my family? Our kids love it
here, and we just registered them for school. Kime is so excited to finally go
to school with his older siblings at the ‘big kid’ school. For the first time
we will only have one kid at home in the mornings.
Our tiny apartment is finally coming together. It has never
felt so much like home, and it all could change within the next week.
It’s terrifying.
The worst part? I’ve let everyone down. My family, my
friends, my kids. My wife.
I hope things workout, and I get another chance. I’ve done
well these last few semesters and finally got a system going that works. But
this class that I took last year, like an old festering wound, continues to
haunt me.
At least we can say we tried. If that even means anything.
I’m so sorry to everyone that I may have let down.
Especially my sweet wife, who was stood by me throughout these struggles, from
day one. Sorry Love.
I tried.
