Insecurities....blah!

Definition of insecurity (n)

in·se·cu·ri·ty

 [ ìn sə kyrətee ]   

1. insecure condition: the state of being unsafe or insecure
2. unsafe feeling: a state of mind characterized by self-doubt and vulnerability
3. insecure phenomenon: an instance or cause of being insecure

Insecurity is a state of mind characterized by self-doubt and vulnerability. From personal experience, I’ve come to realize that another definition of insecurity can be an individual’s over-awareness of a physical attribute that they cannot immediately change. For my entire life, I’ve struggle with my smile, specifically my teeth. They’re crooked. And I’m the only one in my family that has this problem! My parents, and all my siblings have beautiful smiles, with gleaming white, straight teeth!

To any of you that have straight teeth, this may not seem like a big deal, but only because you have straight teeth, so it’s not something that you have to worry about! But to someone who has suffered with an imperfect smile, due to crooked teeth, pictures are always such a stressful event for me, because now that I’m married, my beautiful wife, and thankfully my children as well, have gorgeous smiles, with wonderfully white, straight teeth!

About a year and a half ago, while working for FedEx and having awesome insurance, I got braces! I was so excited about it, that I even wrote a blog about how having straight teeth would change my life! Lol. Yeah, I thought all my problems would be solved because obviously people with straight teeth have no problems at all!! Lol.

Since moving to Provo, attending BYU, which meant quitting FedEx over a year ago, I haven’t had insurance, which meant no orthodontist appointments, which means broken brackets, and missing wires in my mouth. Having all this hardware in my mouth is really just an insecure young man trying desperately to hold on to the dream of finally have straight teeth!

It’s been over 1 year since I’ve seen an orthodontist, and I’m finally accepting the fact the I may never experience, at least not in this lifetime, what it feels like to have straight teeth. What it feels like to smile with confidence! What it feels like to stand next to your beautiful wife and kids while a photographer tells your family to smile, and not feel completely insecure, and as the definition states: vulnerable.

Perhaps when I’m completely done with school, and am in a position financially I will get this taken care of. By then I’ll be in my late 30’s and I’m sure, I will not be any more secure or confident with myself then, than I am now, but only time will tell. Maybe then, I’ll be bald and over weight as well suffering from other ailments associated with aging, that my smile will be the least of my worries lol, who knows. If I could just find an orthodontist that could at least take these useless brackets off my teeth so I can finally enjoy biting into an apple or corn on the cob!

Until then, I will enjoy the beautiful smiles of the little ones that call me dad, and hope they never get crooked teeth! And in the likely event that they do get crooked teeth, I hope I’m in a position then to get them braces early on. I’ll just keep my lips closed, hiding my insecurities in each family picture, until I have insurance again, or when our earthly bodies are perfected in the next life. Which ever comes first :)

What's in the Name?

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When President George Albert Smith was young, his deceased grandfather George A. Smith appeared to him in a dream and asked, “I would like to know what you have done with my name.” President Smith responded, “I have never done anything with your name of which you need be ashamed.”

What’s in the name? My name is Kime Tuipulotu Lao. I was named after my maternal grandfather, the late Kime Tuipulotu Kinikini. I share his first & middle name. Because he was such a well known and well loved man, I am often mistakenly called Kime Kinikini by the older generation Tongans that knew my grandpa because the unique names are synonymous with each other.

             The name Kime is very much a family name, in fact I’ve never heard of any other person or persons with that name except from my grandpa and the many relatives, such as myself, that were named after him. I’m not even sure where he got his name from, although I’ve always speculated he was named after an early Christian missionary that may have visited the friendly island kingdom of Tonga, from which he originates.

            More times than I can count, upon hearing my name, strangers immediately knew my family history and genealogy, my parents, grandparents and from which village in Tongan each came from. It was amazing! I can remember riding the bus home in 3^rd grade and walking home to my grandparent’s house during a snowstorm. A young Tongan woman pulls up to me, rolls her window down and asks my name. I politely tell her my name is Kime and she interrupts and says to me “Oh, Kime! I’m your aunty! Get in the car and I’ll drive you home! I know where your grandparents live! How are grandpa & grandma doing?” And without hesitation I get into a complete strangers vehicle, and luckily she takes me right to my grandparents house!

            This exact scenario has played out many times in my life, and later as a young adult I would run into people who knew my grandpa and who’s lives had been touched so deeply by him, they continued to break down as they shared their connection and story with me, about my grandpa.

            For this reason, I’ve always felt nameless. Not like a person without a name, but more of an individual blessed to call myself after my grandpa Kime, an amazing man. I felt that the name was still his, not mine. I am called Kime, but the name is still his. It’s like running outside of your house into a rainstorm, and you grab your father’s jacket to wear to protect you from the storm. Even if your father let’s you keep the jacket, and no matter how long you have the jacket, in your mind the jacket is always your father’s.

            Likewise, my name has never really felt like my name. I have always felt privileged to bare my grandfather’s name. Like the modern day LDS prophet George Albert Smith, who had a dream that he met his grandfather, of the same name, hoped that he had made him proud of by his works and kept honor and dignity to his name, I too hope that when I meet my grandpa Kime again, I will be able to look him straight in the eye and say ‘Grandpa Kime, I’ve tried my best to uphold the honor and dignity of your name, by living a similar life of love and service.”

            I hope that my son (who I named after my grandpa, Kime Kinikini Lao, and not myself) has similar experiences of strangers walking up to him, upon hearing his name, and say to him “Kime….I knew a Kime once, he was a very kind gentleman.” I hope that my Uncle Kime and my several cousins that bare the name Kime Kinikini feel the same responsibility that I have and choose to honor our grandfather’s name accordingly.

            For this reason, I can remember taking great offense when others would intentionally mispronounce my name. It is an unusual name and very easy to confuse with many names more feminine like ‘Kim’ or ‘Kimmy’. Few things in this life could bring as much anger in my heart than to have someone purposefully make fun of my name, not because I feel like they’re making fun of me, but because I feel they are making fun of my grandfather’s name, who was a wonderful man! Of course they don’t know the weight that is tied behind the name, or the meaning or importance that I carry with it, which is the reason I can stay calm amidst other’s ignorance and lack or respect for a name.

            As I began, what’s in the name? For some, it’s something that sounds nice, or pretty. For others it’s completely random, spur of the moment type of decision. For many it’s to commemorate an event like a sibling on a mission, or other momentous event going on during their life. For my little family, each name is tied to an individual that mean a lot to us. My older brother & grandpa Sateki, whom my oldest son is named after, my wife’s maternal grandmother Salote Lasini Wolfgramm who was battling cancer when my daughter was born and who’s name my daughter now shares, my grandpa Kime Kinikini, who my 2^nd son is named after and my youngest son Heikoti, born when my youngest brother was serving his mission in Texas, the only missionary of us siblings. Everyone has different reasons behind the question, What’s in the name? 

           

My strength through the storm. My Wife :)

           As a family we’ve run into struggles, obstacles and difficulties that we did not expect. We had been living the family/student/work/church life for the last two years in West Valley while attending Salt Lake Community College and although we struggled, we always came through ok. I believe we will be ok regarding the current issues we’re dealing with because God is always aware of us, and our struggles. We face these struggles each day for a reason. It’s difficult to see the reason while you’re facing an obstacle. In fact, I can’t tell you the purpose of what’s happening now, but I know we’ll be ok if we keep pushing. The key to life is to never give up. I wish I could say that I’ve never wanted to quit or give up but that would be a lie. Which is why I’m writing today.

            Without going into too much detail, we are now facing struggles bigger than we have in the past. I have again started to question the path we’re on and the direction we’re headed and wonder whether or not we have what it takes to pull through. One thing I’m so grateful for is the problems we’re not facing! We are all healthy, all six of us! My relationship with my wife is wonderful, healthy, growing and ever evolving! Looking at the problems you’re not facing is a great way to be grateful for all that you do have.

            Last month, I had enough with this college life. I let the situation get the best of me and I wanted to give up. I just wanted to surrender. I wanted to quit; and this time I was very serious. White flag in hand and at the ready position to start waving in surrender. This is certainly not the first time I’ve wanted to quit, and most definitely wont be the last but this time I had no strength or will to see past the storm. I wasn’t able to look at the silver lining as I have done so many times in the past. This is where my wife comes in. She fills me with confidence and encouragement when I cannot find it from within myself. If it weren’t for her, I would have quit a long time ago and returned back to Salt Lake and started looking for a job and plan B or plan C.

            You see the value of a healthy, loving marriage is immeasurable. How can you put a price tag on words of encouragement? How can you put a value on a relationship where the other person involved makes you want to be a better person every day? You can’t. At the end of a tough day, week, semester she believes in me. When I am full of doubt and question, she holds steady and reassures me that we’re in the right place at the right time doing the right thing, and if we can just weather the storm everything will be fine.

            You see as the head of this family, it is my responsibility to keep calm amidst the chaos. And for majority of the time I play that role as best I can. But those few times where I am emotionally, spiritually, physically exhausted from the struggle, she comes through with that extra wind. She’s my reserve energy to finish the race. Like a marathon runner hitting ‘the wall’ at mile 13 with another 13 miles remaining in the race and they suddenly get that 2^nd wind and finish the race strong, that’s what my wife is to me. However she’s much more than my 2^nd wind in this marathon; She’s my 3^rd and 4^th and 5^th wind because this race we’re in isn’t defined with a finish line, it is however a series of races and obstacles that we face day in and day out.

Along this race we will need to continually push each other, finding the good in each day, taking the lessons from each conquered obstacle and applying it to next steep hill placed in front us. We have to stop occasionally to smell the roses on the side of the road to the top, appreciating the beauty in this journey. We have to boost each when we see the other is struggling. Metaphorically place their arm over our shoulder and continue to run. Remembering always that when we’re both struggling we need not look any further than into the eyes of our most prized blessings, the ones who call us Mom and Dad, and understand that although we are not perfect, and we do have faults, in their eyes we can do no wrong. I am so grateful for my wife and everything she does for our little family.

I can see why our church leaders push our YSA and RM’s to get married. Not only is it about happiness and love, it’s about having a partner that can push you through the difficult times. It’s about being that support for them on their rainy days. I’m grateful for her and search everyday for the reason why the Lord blessed me with such an amazing eternal companion.

I consider myself blessed each day I come home to my beautiful wife and kids. It’s my prayer that we can continue to be that rock for each other, and I pray that others can find what they are looking for as well, to experience this happiness and completeness that I feel with my family. Just feeling blessed through the storms and thought I’d write these random thoughts down.

Again, as with most of my blogs, these thoughts are mine; unedited, no revisions or rough drafts; Straight from my mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen as a reminder of what I was thinking or feeling this particular moment in time. Have a blessed day family!

Do you treat your eldest child any different?

            Do you treat any of your kids different than you do your other kids? If you do, what is the reason? To be honest I do, and I’m not sure if it’s cultural or societal, or maybe a combination of both.

            I come from a family of 6 kids, 3 boys and 3 girls. You could say we’re the Tongan Brady Bunch as our order is boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, however we’re all from the same parents J The oldest child is my brother Sateki, followed by oldest sister Makuliti and then Me and the rest of my siblings. Growing up I could see that Sateki was treated very different from the rest of us. Being the oldest child, and a boy, he bore a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. If he did good, we all celebrated and tried to follow his example. If he made a decision contrary to what my parents have taught us, it seemed that he was made an example of to teach the rest of us a lesson as well. With this in mind I believe we come to earth in a particular order for a reason. I have no doubt in my mind that my brother was meant to be the oldest, because of his leadership qualities, his love and patience for us and his ability to communicate with our family and take lead when my father is not there to make a big decision.

            In my own family, I see that I do treat my oldest son, who I named after my older brother Sateki, very different from my other kids as well. Admittedly, I am very hard on him. I push him to make good decisions, I correct him when he makes bad decisions and the reason is: his younger siblings are watching and following him. Am I wrong for doing this? Should they all be treated the same? I’m not sure of the correct answer, but I do know that I put a lot of responsibility on his young 6 year old shoulders as the eldest of my children and I do expect great things from him, as I do all my children, but especially him as he will be setting the example for his younger siblings.

            Perhaps I’m harder on him as well, because I know his potential and I want him to live his life accordingly to reach his potential. I’m sure as parents that’s all any of us want. I’m sure that’s all our parents wanted for us. Sometimes I have to step back and remind myself that he’s only a kid, and that I need to just chill out and let him make mistakes and be a kid. Sometimes I know that I’ve been too hard on hm. These are the times that I pull him aside and tell him how much I love him and how great he is now, and how great he will be.

            Again just a few random thoughts from a father learning new things every day. Have a blessed day family!

Keeping The Language Alive

We had a discussion in my Tongan Language class today that I felt was rather interesting. The topic was how quickly our language can be lost growing up in a country other than the one your parents were born in; for me it’s being born and raised in the U.S. and my parents who were born in friendly island kingdom of Tonga.  

I wish that my parents spoke to us in Tongan more, during our upbringing. Maybe it was because they moved here and struggled with school, work and life in general trying to learn English. For them, teaching us English would only benefit us, as it is the language here. Then again, we would learn English anyways from school and our friends, why not teach your kids your native language in the home, and raise them bilingual? Quickly I had to take the blame off parents because in my household, my older brother and sister speak and comprehend Tongan very well. We were raised in the same home, and I think it was the effort that they put into understanding and learning the language outside of the home that made the difference. Whenever we would visit our grandparents they would try to speak Tongan to them whereas I could understand my grandparents well, I just chose to respond to them in English, afraid of making mistakes in Tongan. Looking back, who better to practice and learn Tongan from than your own family.

After continued conversation, my Tongan Language professor asks me “Knowing what you know, what are you doing in your own household to teach your kids Tongan?” I had no good answer for him. Again, I’m embarrassed that I don’t know proper sentence structure or may be unfamiliar with certain names of verbs or nouns. I do teach them nouns and verbs that I do know. I speak a combination of English and Tongan to them (I affectionately call Tonglish) and they have done well with so far. I should, however, make more of an effort to speak more to my kids in Tongan. Speaking it in the house will help improve my Tongan as well as my kids. Lesson of the day, teach your kids what you know of your language. The ability to speak multiple languages, regardless of which language, can only help their ever growing brains.