Sea of Uncertainty

              With a few moments to myself, in an empty house, I feel the need to write a few lines, while these emotions are fresh. I just left our Stake Presidents’ office to complete the last part of my application to BYU! Tomorrow morning the U of U is holding an open house for transfer students from SLCC. I will be attending that as well, just in case I don’t get accepted to the Y.

                I feel that because I want so badly to get into the Y, I won’t. Just because. It’s just my luck to get accepted to Universities around the world (even though I haven’t applied anywhere else, mysteriously acceptance letters would fill my mailbox in the coming weeks) and the school that I so desperately hope to get into, rejects me.

                Against the advice of so many people in the medical field, to just give up on the Y and go to the U because there I will have opportunities to meet and rub shoulders with people in the Medical field that can help further my career aspirations. Against the advice of so many, to just give up on childhood dreams and silly football loyalties of going to the Y, and do the smart thing, stay in your comfort zone, go to the U, stay in Salt Lake,  get a great education from an awesome school and still live here in Salt Lake. Against all of this, for some reason beyond explanation, I want so badly to go to the Y. It isn’t because of childhood dreams of playing football for the Cougars, or loyalty to my family’s “team.” I wish I could explain it…but I simply can’t.

                Perhaps it’s for exactly all the opposite reasons why I should stay here and go to the U. Maybe I want to get out of Salt Lake, live in a tiny apartment with my family of 6, and struggle through college. Maybe I don’t want to meet and rub shoulders with individuals of the medical field that can help me get into the program I want. Maybe I want to run away from Here, and disappear in Utah County and re-emerge years later as a successful man. In whatever career I happen to choose throughout these next crucial two years. To be completely honest, these uncharted waters I am leading my family into scare me so much, I have difficulty sleeping at night, wondering if I’m making the right decisions. The decisions I choose now, not only affect me, but they affect my entire little family! That type of responsibility, that type of weight on one man’s shoulders is enough to make one physically weak. And hopefully bring him to his knees. In prayer.

                I can’t tell you how scared I am of the unknown path we’re on or where we’re headed. I can’t tell you how unsure I am of what I want to do when I grow up, or how I plan to support my family as we grow older. I can talk all day long, of my plan B’s and my plan C’s or plan D & E if those all fail, but I can’t, for the life of me, tell you what my plan A is. All I do know, is I want to go to college, and further my education. I hope to find out what I want to do during these last two years of college. I know that I want a career that will allow my wife to never have to work again, and allow me time to spend with my kids. I don’t care about money or material things, as I did not have those things growing up. Driving a beautiful foreign car, or having a vacation home in the tropics doesn’t appeal to me. All I want is more time with my family.

                The one thing that helps me through this sea of doubt, is my wife and the anchor she is for me. Where ever this crazy road takes us, which ever career path we end up at, we will be in this together. Throughout this difficult time, throughout the stresses of school and work, her smile alone brings a calm and serenity to this sea of doubt that I cannot explain. I’m positive she has no idea how much I love to come home to her smiling face, and to be greeted by my crazy kids running from their room to hug me at the door. In this sea of uncertainty, my precious cargo, my family, will anchor me through the storm.