The One That Got Away

I would like to just jump into this and see if this Blog Therapy helps. I don't mean to anger or offend anyone, but know these are my feelings, and this blog will be quite personal. As most of you know, We have been blessed with three very beautiful and bright, intelligent, rambuctious children. A few weeks before my youngest son Kime turned 1 on June 22nd, we found out that we were pregnant expecting our number 4! The rest of the story gets a little foggy as I've tried to forget about it....
Tonight my Wife and I were cleaning up our room (a never ending process) and we came across a zip lock bag with three pregancy tests in them and the nubmer 4 written with a marker on the outside. My wife has saved all the positive pregnancy tests of all our children, including number 4. I know, some may think this is weird maybe even a little gross but we are so excited each time we find out we will be bringing in another soul into this world, specifically our family!
She held the bag up and said very softly "This was our number 4" we paused and the room suddenly felt very empty as quiet filled the room. My eyes teared up. "The one that got away" I whispered. We refer to our baby as She. Pua and I are convinced she was a girl. A little sister for my daughter Salote. It was too early to tell as we were only about 10-11 weeks along. The whole miscarriage at the U of U hospital was quite dramatic. I almost lost my wife that day. I saw the embryo and could not help but speak to this small developing body as if She could hear me. I knew she couldn't but who cares, She was still ours, and I felt she needed to hear her parents loved her. I can remember thinking, when my wife passed out in the ER bathroom, I'm going to lose my wife and baby. How am I supposed to raise my three kids without their Mother? Without my wife and best friend? She is the rock of our family. Just then the doctors and nurses rushed in and revived her with peircing pokes to her sternum to wake her up. I felt like punching the Doc in the face! It's 2010 and we've made leaps and bounds in Medical technology, and the only way you can revive her is by jabbing your fingers in her chest? really? but it worked. An assistant rushes to the bathroom as we move my wife to the bed. He then stares at the ground and calls for help in "cleaning up." "What is it?" I ask anxiously. "A doctor will be with you shortly" he relpies then rushes out the door. My wife, groggy, asks whats wrong. I tell her I think they found baby. We embrace and begin to weep in each others arms. The 15 year old looking doctor walks in the room and tells us what we had already expected. We weep uncontrollably again. He tries to comfort us by saying it was the body's way of telling us something was wrong. It still hurts so bad. Guilt sets in as I think of the doubt I had in  my mind when I first found out that we would have 4 kids under 4. Was I being punished for being ungrateful? Should I not have had these doubts while my wife was pregnant? Could this unborn child have heard these thoughts, and did she have feelings of regret coming to an unsure family? But I did want her, so bad and now more then ever! I wanted her know that we would love her! We would take care of her and our family would make it. Some how I would do everything in my power to provide for my family, even if it killed me! But it was too late. She was gone, and their we lay in our room alone to ponder our lifes priorities, and thank the Lord for our blessings. My wife was ok. But she wasn't clear yet. They rush her to the 4th floor for emergency surgery as she loses an enormous amount of blood, and she won't stop bleeding. They prep her for surgery and we wait nearly an hour for the docs to finally wheel her in. During this time, she is shivering. Her face is colorless, her lips purple. She continues to have heavy contractions but She has no meds. She is the strongest woman I've ever known. They wheel her in and I wait in the in the lobby.
While waiting an operater over the intercom asks "If there is an LDS Priesthood Holder available, please go to room C202." I'm sure this hospital is full of Priesthood holders, someone will go. I'm waiting for my wife to come out of surgery. 30 minutes later the announcement is made again. Reluctantly I aproach the surgery receptionist and tell them I'm going to give a blessing, if my wife comes out before then let her know where I am. I rush to room C202. By this time the patient in the room has waited nearly an hour for Priesthood to show up. She is an elderly woman from St. George visiting her family and suffers a heart attack. She is a new convert to the church of only 2 short years. Another Gentleman and his wife walk in the room surprised to see me there and ask if a Priesthood Holder was needed in this room. I'm wearing street clothes, unshaved face, long curly hair sticking out my fitted cap turned backwards on my head and eyes blood shot red from crying. "I am hear to assist in the blessing as well. My name is Bro. Lao. Thanks for coming Sir." They ask why I'm at the hospital and I tell them my wife and I just lost our baby. I begin to cry again, then I'm reminded that I still have my wife. They comfort me, we talk. Then quietly we perform one of the most powerful priesthood blessings I've been a part of. I was meant to be there at that exact moment. That blessing brought comfort to more then just the grandma from St. George. I was reminded of the Power and Authority I held. I was reminded that my family was eternal. I'm not sure about the intracasies of which spirit children will be ours and which will not be. I don't know the exact stance the church has on miscarriages, but I believe I will see this one again.
Shortly after leaving the blessing I was informed that my wife was in recovery. I went to her room and waited at her bedside. For the first time in over two days, we both rested. Upon waking up, the pain set in. We were in the labor and delivery section of the hospital. We could hear the sounds of joy from other families that were welcoming their newborns. Yet we sat there in our room. Just the two of us. This time, for the first time, we would be leaving empty handed. We had some visitors, just close family members. I did not want to see a single person because I didn't want to hear "I know how you feel, I've had a miscarriage before too." You don't know how I feel. I promise you don't! A counselor came in the room to offer us advice. I hate psychologist and therapist. What the hell do they know. Hurry up and give us your card and leave us alone. But she did leave us with valuable advice that I use to this day. She said "people will say stupid things that might hurt. They might say 'I know how you feel' and you might get angry. Just know that they don't mean to hurt you. They're just trying to say what they think they should say. Just know they care and their intentions are good." To this day I keep that bit of advice with me.
We are stronger and closer today then ever before. I'm happy to say we will be welcoming our number 5 on July 4th. Pua thinks its a boy. I'm just excited we are still blessed to have children. Thanks for listening, tune in next time. I can't wait to see my daughter, The one that got away :)